unshaken

If you, like me, are a craver of chaos then you really need to be a North Carolina fan from 10pm ET until midnight (just to be safe). If Bay FC win, Gotham, Portland, Seattle and San Diego would all clinch playoff spots one week before the NWSL’s Decision Day. Albertin, I sweatergawd if you choose to be serious on this day…

Every time Seattle try to score goals something bad happens. They cracked the top-4 committing acts of footballing terrorism, then fell out of the top-4 by trying to play a little soccer. With Utah out of playoff contention and the Reign needing to get back to doing what works, expect nothing.

Washington are embedded in the #2 spot no matter what they do, but Orlando still has plenty to prove. They dramatically improved their standing on the table by showing some champion-like fight back at the weekend, but then they got bounced from the W Champions Cup by Pachuca midweek. Oof. Oofington. Cup O’ Oofles.

Houston keep trying a weird trick and allowing double digit shots inside their box. I’m not sure what they’re up to but whatever it is it’s not working well. Kansas City will likely be focused on rest and rotation for their stars, so we might see another lineup full of teen angst.

Chicago are just about settled into the bottom spot on the table but they can still get their inner hater some practice reps by stressing San Diego tf out. With the table so tight, any dropped points could lead to a slide down the table. Also, San Diego’s final match of the season is against a Kansas City team that’s good enough to beat them without having to try all that hard.

Nantes are fourth on the table with just one loss. But that one loss was a 5-2 top rope elbow drop from a very unserious PSG team. So, yeah, Lyonnes should cruise. But any chance to watch a frontline of Tabitha Chawinga, Kadidiatou Diani and Melchie Dumornay (and, if Jona is being serious, Lily Yohannes in midfield) must be taken.

In the UWCL, Real Madrid proved they are slightly more serious than PSG by beating them 2-1, but already have two draws and one loss in 7 Liga F games. Levante are sitting dead last on the table, and according to FBref, are second from the bottom in xG per game (.58) and giving up the second most xG against (2.30!). Madrid shouldn’t have any problems here, but they also shouldn’t have drawn with Logroňo in their opening match of the season.

Rahsing are sitting in the last and final playoff position, and if North Carolina manage to stay alive Friday night, Louisville’s nightmare scenario could get really real. Gotham need a win to secure the playoffs and keep up the scrap with Orlando for the third spot. This one should be a banger.

Angel City are out of it so I know I better be seeing Christen Press in the XI and fed plenty of passes in her favorite pocket so she can sign off with one last banger. Actually, no, three bangers. Fuck it, seventeen bangers idec. Anyway, erm, Portland also need a win. They’re only above Louisville by a point, so while seventeen Christen Press bangers would heal something deep inside me, it would make it hard for the Thorns to eek out a draw — and they need any and all points they can scrounge.

The USWNT is back and Emma Hayes named a fascinating squad (more on that below). Portugal are unserious but Kika Nazareth is fit again and scored a filthy volley in UWCL play earlier in the week.

There’s also a lot of college woso, so make it a woso day. You deserve it.