whomst should throw several proverbial bags at sam kerr?

Sam Kerr, the Australian striker who grew her game to become a dominant scorer in the NWSL, then went to Chelsea and dominated the WSL as well, is leaving the blue side of London. Though Kerr is 32-years-old and coming off an ACL injury with a lengthy recovery, she still very much has the juice.

This season for Chelsea she has just 4 starts in the league, but 17 appearances. She’s the team’s second leading scorer in league play (6), and second in total xG (4.8) despite playing 535 fewer minutes than the player who leads the category (Kaptein, 5.5).

The rumor is that she’s coming to the NWSL, and that Denver has already been identified as her destination. Except Kerr herself seems to disagree. Since nothing seems to have been decided just yet, I dug through the data to identify teams who would benefit the most from throwing the bag at Sam Kerr. Mo’Nique’s classic ‘I Would Like to See It’ gif will be my rating scale for this assessment, because this is just how I do things here at btvc.

Sam Kerr joining Gotham would be a prime example of the biblical greed people are always talking about. Gotham already boast an attack with Rose Lavelle, Jaedyn Shaw, Guro Reiten, Midge Purce, Jordynn Dudley and Esther González. Adding Kerr would be dastardly.

There’s also a case to be made that Kerr is needed. Esther hasn’t replicated the goalscoring touch she exhibited last season, and according to Spotrac she’s signed through this year and next. Also, while I truly do not care about a salary cap, it is a thing that exists, and even with High Impact Player funds I’m not sure there’s enough wiggle room to pay that attack plus Jaelin Howell, Ann-Katrin Berger, Tierna Davidson, Jess Carter, Lilly Reale and then also Sam Kerr.

The other question is if Kerr’s knee is ready for the physical toll of Juan Carlos Amorós’ training intensity and style of play. Next summer could very well be Kerr’s last World Cup, and making sure she gets to Brazil with something left in the tank could be a motivating factor.

While adding Sam Kerr to Gotham would definitely be a thing I’d do in a EAFC26 save, it’d likely be because EA Sports (thankfully) hasn’t bothered to understand or implement NWSL salary cap rules. I’ve learned not to doubt Yael Averbuch West, but pulling this off seems to be beyond even her reach.

(yes i am preparing for this to be extremely wrong, screenshotted, and saved)

Ashley Sanchez started the season by scoring five goals in six games, including a three-match scoring streak. But she hasn’t scored in the last two games, and the Courage not coincidentally have lost both (while only scoring once).

New head coach Mak Lind introduced himself to Courage faithful by claiming he was ‘obsessed’ with scoring goals. Nearly every new manager says they want to play an exciting, attacking style of soccer, but I haven’t heard one go as far as saying they’re particularly obsessed with the act.

Unfortunately, consistent goalscoring usually requires consistent goalscorers, and the Courage have a shortage of such profiles. Manaka Matsukubo, who scored 11 goals last season (9.92 xG) certainly has the juice, but just played in an Asian Cup, and could use a partner. Sanchez scores in spurts, but has always leaned more toward the profile of creator and occasional scorer than direct goal threat.

Kerr as the primary central attacking force in North Carolina would be a profile the team has been missing since Kerolin took her NWSL MVP Manchester City. Sam Kerr’s ability to hold up the ball and link play, as well as attack crosses and find space in the box would solve a problem the Courage has had across multiple coaches, and provide a central target for their buildup play. Also, consider the diabolical things Matsukubo could do with the spaces provided by Sam Kerr’s presence among the defense’s backline—terrifying, delectable.

The Courage should have the money to pull this signing off, but also have the tough task of selling a 10,000 seat stadium that’s rarely at capacity, and Cary, NC to a player who’s spent the last six years living in London.

I’m old enough to remember when Houston started the season by winning three of their first four matches, scoring nine goals and conceding five (but with two shutouts). Since, well, they’ve fallen off something fierce. They have zero wins in their last four, just one draw, three losses, and have scored a grand total of one single solitary goal—a penalty.

In this goal-parched run they’ve averaged 1.11 xG per game, while scoring just .25 goals. The xG isn’t mind boggling, it’s just average, but the actual goals record is worthy of every insult dropped in ‘You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch.’ It’s three-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce levels of stinky.

A lot of this is because Houston are being forced to rely on a lot of very talented, but very young, players. Their leading scorer is 24-year-old Kiki Van Zanten (4), who left their last match early with what looked like a hamstring problem. Below her is rookie Kat Rader (2) and second year pro Maggie Graham with two as well (one penalty). Kate Faasse, another rookie, is a talented goal threat straight out of UNC, but an injury derailed the start to her pro career, and she’s just finding her way back to the pitch.

Makenzy Robbe started the season as one of their central attackers and quickly bagged a goal and assist, but has since been placed on the season-ending injury list. Messiah Bright has had a couple starts but has yet to score this season, and the same goes for Canadian striker Clarissa Larisey. None of these names have yet to establish themselves as a consistent scorer in the NWSL just yet, but that’s what Houston desperately needs. Without adding a proven scorer, they’re stuck hoping someone develops into one. It might happen, but it’s an unknown, and losses are piling up while they wait.

Houston’s front office isn’t ready or willing to get in the bidding for a player like Sam Kerr. It’s unfortunate, Kerr & The Kids would be a fun addition to the league. But there’s a reason the Dash were forced to load up on rookies in the first place, and that is likely the same reason they won’t be in the running for Sam Kerr’s services.

No team needs to make a big money/big statement signing than Angel City. They lost Christen Press to retirement, then Alyssa Thompson to Chelsea. Also, while Angel City’s xG/goals record seems fine, is proving to already be a bit of a mirage.

So far this season they’ve put up 1.31 xG against 1.71 goals for, which is a moderate overperformance that’s common for good teams. But Angel City aren’t a good team, at least not yet. They scored 7 goals in their first two games, and their last multi-goal game was March 27. Since then, Angel City has scored three goals in four games from 4.35 xG.

Riley Tiernan’s 1.29 xG+xA (expected goals + expected assists) is second to last among wingers who’ve played a minimum of 500 minutes, 19-year-old Kennedy Fuller is adapting to a new role, Jun Endo is coming back from a lengthy injury absence, and Sveindís is having to do it all—quite literally. Her three goals and two assists account for over 41% of Angel City’s goals this season. To underscore the point, she hasn’t scored in their last four games, and Angel City have lost all four.

Kerr would be the marquee signing the club has desperately needed since capitulating to Chelsea last August. She’d also provide on-pitch relief for a talented attack that can’t quite figure out how to get the ball to go into the net on a consistent basis.

Not only am I Team Get Sveindís Some Help, Angel City’s front office really needs to show that they have the ambition to pursue big names like Kerr. Alyssa Thompson walking midseason was a bad look, and fans have been patiently waiting to see how they would respond and what they would do with a fresh million in their pocket. Step 1) Give Sam Kerr Your Money, Step 2) Prosper. ■