Group C in the UWCL delivered all the fresh tasty chaos we deserved. After looking fairly straightforward before a ball was kicked, the final result — and path getting there — was anything but. From extremely well-constructed goals to perfect headers and Own Goal bagging a brace, there were seven goals across two games that shuffled the table through six (6!) variations.

Before we get started, let’s look at the table before a ball was kicked.

32’ | ajax 0-1 roma (elisa bartoli)

COULD IT BE!? Thirty-two minutes in and the team that was at the bottom of the table had just catapulted themselves into position to advance. Whatever chaos were to happen, a Roma goal to get them back in the mix is exactly what was needed for peak levels of bonkersness.

36’ | bayern 1-0 psg (giulia gwinn)

Even though Bayern winning would’ve given us the most boring outcome to the group, this header is awesome. It’s such a clever hit, and I love the contrast between how quickly it had to be executed and the floated, tantalizing arc of the shot.

Watch the keeper. I get it, we’ve all been there. This is usually me at the DMV. ‘What do you mean this is the wrong form? Take another number? You cannot be serious I’ve been sitting here for hours.’

45’ | ajax 1-1 roma (tiny hoekstra)

AJAX BACK! Start to final pass this goal was constructed by16-year-old Lily Yohannes. She won the ball in midfield without fouling and was able to quickly spin and drive into space. Then she dribbled toward the space between both center backs, not allowing them to make a decision until it was too late and she was laying the ball off to Hoekstra for the finish.

Elite midfielding behavior, and a goal that Ajax desperately needed.

halftime

Ok fine, the big clubs appear to have reclaimed order and the little clubs were gonna scrap but ultimately fall short and have to accept the moral victory of making it interesting on the final day.

Psh. Tuh. Pshaw.

73’ | bayern 1-1 psg (tabitha chawinga)

Bayern have an uncanny ability to look big doge in attack and then little doge in clown shoes in defense. Letting a ball bounce into space near your box with Tabitha Chawinga lurking in a match you need to win is super not advised. Do not recommend. 0/10. But I thank them for it.

75’ | bayern 2-1 psg (sydney lohmann)

Less than two minutes after PSG scored to bring the chaos back into play Bayern responded with a goal of their own that promptly hushed all that noise. Us chaos agents deflated a bit, but we would have our revenge.

Also let’s not overlook Klara Bühl putting in absolute work to get this cross off with her left foot. The cross was sweet too, and absolutely deserved a goal and I am so thankful that Sydney Lohmann agreed.

84’ | ajax 2-1 roma (zara kramžar OG)

PSG were promptly punished for their betrayal of the chaos gods. Ajax leapfrogged to the top and PSG were suddenly in danger of missing out on the next round altogether, all courtesy of a Roma own goal.

PSG never actually held a lead against Bayern, which Roma needed to have a chance at pulling off an improbable final day heist. Despite Bayern leading 2-1 at this point, Roma scoring an own goal pretty much extinguished all hope from even the most romantic of dreamers.

Heartbreaking, but a sacrifice had to be made and I am so sorry that it had to be you. (Not gonna lie, it’s a quality finish tho.)

88’ | bayern 2-2 psg (georgia stanway OG)

KJENLDWASLJNWAFIOEJBWNFE!! OWN GOAL FROM THE TOP ROPE!

It is quite harsh that this deflection is still listed as an own goal by Georgia Stanway but here’s the thing: I am so sorry but we deserved this. And by we I mean the hoards of chaos agents who love this sport and used to pray for times like this.

(Also no disrespect to the DAZN tweeter but the caption makes it sound like she did this on purpose which is very funny.)

full time

It was an absolutely wild 90 minutes of footballing. I have no idea how the players or coaches were coping with it all in real time, the only possible thing you could do is try to kick the dang ball in the back of the net and hope.

But the football gods demanded even more chaos than that so the final two goals in both games went down as own goals, each by the Unfortunate. Brutal. Devastating. But for the clubs that advanced: Dance.

Especially Ajax, who made history by reaching the quarterfinals for the first time, and doing so thanks to four points from their two matches with Bayern Munich, and beating PSG 2-0 on the first day of the group stages. They earned this, and it’s super dope that they were one of the two teams to escape this ultra chaotic ass group.