let's relive the 2025 copa américa femenina final, forever

The relentless nature of, well, everything, often interferes with our ability to fully savor a thing. A thing happens, it’s ‘brilliant, amazing stupendous, wonderful,’ and then the next thing happens. And the next thing. And so on. It’s the nature of the world we’ve built, and the near unlimited access to Things™ courtesy of the ever-connected other things in our pockets.

This does a disservice to things that deserve to be savored, remembered, and relived. The Gran Final of the 2025 Copa América Femenina is one such thing. I still can’t believe this match was real. Every time I think of three incredible things that happened during this match, I quickly remember that there are several more. How? I do not know.

So to fix that, and allow us to live, and relive, this masterpiece of soccer, I’ve assembled a timeline. May this match live forever (or at least as long as the internet).

kickoff, 1’

It took a somewhat unexpectedly circuitous route for these two to meet in the final, but it was always what was expected, and anticipated. Brazil thrashed Uruguay 5-1 to skip into the final, while Colombia nearly didn’t keep their end of the bargain against Argentina. The match ended 0-0 in full time, and Colombia narrowly prevailed in penalties 5-4.

[conmebol’ing intensifies]

The reason these two meeting in the final was such a riveting prospect is because both teams are loaded with talent, and have had recent success that’s solidified them as a force on the international stage. Colombia’s defeat of Germany in the 2023 World Cup kept the European giants from making it out of the group. While Brazil has routinely gotten under the skin of current World Cup holders, Spain.

However, this is still CONMEBOL, and when you’re dealing with a CONMEBOL team in a high stakes game (literal or perceived), every dark art and teaching from the ancient scrolls of shithousery are to be expected. When you’re dealing with two? Pray for the referee.

So it took a while for the soccer to start, and instead both teams took turns exaggerating fouls, surrounding the referee, and engaging in other assorted acts of shenaniganery. They would, however, make it up to us.

Eventually.

linda caicedo goal, 25’
(1-0)

The phenom who helped down Germany with terrific shifty movements to open a window of space to send the ball through to find the net was at it again. This goal was more fortuitous than the calculated and fancy footwork of the goal that I still believe triggered an earthquake off the coast of New Zealand, but it was enough to take the lead.

jorelyn carabalí decides to do this, 45^+2’

Finals can be hard fought, contentious things. After all, the winner is forever immortalized, while the loser can’t help but initially feel that all the hard work to get to that point was wasted. That sort of pressure cooker can heighten frustrations and make things personal. Still, I do not understand the decision to do this, ever, but certainly not with your team up a goal in a final.

If this was American college football this play would be reviewed for targeting and the player would be ejected. But this is soccer, and also CONMEBOL, so despite this being reviewed by VAR for several minutes, then looped on a screen in front of the center referee for several more minutes, it resulted in a penalty for Brazil and a yellow card.

This clip is here because Katherine Tapia is the new litmus test for your friend group. You very much shouldn’t compile an entire friend group of only this friend, but you need one. The friend who will delusionally ignore your guilt to aggressively defend your honor as if you were the one wronged is essential, and a gift.

Again, note the singularity. Friend. It is unsafe to ever acquire more than one.

angelina pen, 45^+9’
(1-1)

Due to the aforementioned tremendously weird decision, teams went into halftime tied at a goal apiece.

tarciane own goal, 69’
(2-1)

I mean, wut.

This would have been the most brutal way to lose a final. Like, it’s the kind of thing that makes you want to walk barefoot into a forest and make the first cave you come upon your new home. Own goals happen, rarely not like this, and even more rarely in a final. Insert [not_like_this.gif].

amanda gutierres’ sick volley, 80’
(2-2)

Sweet merciful Christ. Eleven minutes after one of the goofiest things you can see on a soccer pitch, we had one of the sweetest. One of my favorite genre of goals is a central striker orchestrating a complex multi-touch effort at goal then executing it perfectly.

@tvglobo

QUE GOLAÇO DA AMANDA GUTIERRES 🇧🇷⚽️ A artilheira brasileira faz um belo gol com a perna esquerda para empatar novamente para o Brasil! Ago... See more

The reverse angle allows you to absorb the genius most fully. Lefty, through the defender’s legs, arrowed into the far side netting just behind the post. Silky, satisfying, diabolical.

This should win a game.

Except…

marta subs into the match, 82’

Pardon the interruption but this will become relevant very, very soon.

But first…

the mayra ramírez + linda caicedo show, 88’
(3-2)

Linda Caicedo and Mayra Ramírez are one most uniquely talented national team attacking duos in the world. Caicedo is a phenom who’s just getting started, with exceptional footwork, creativity and balance. While Ramírez is an unstoppable physical force with the deft footwork of a ballerina. The combination shouldn’t exist, but it does, and I am so thankful.

Surely, surely this would be enough to send the match into extra time. Surely there is not enough time left for much more to happen in this game. The rollercoaster of this match had already loop-de-loop’d enough to have been a satisfying ride. Surely.

Lol.

Lmao, even.

marta’s absolutely unstoppable strike, 90^+6’
(3-3)

Remember when Marta entered the match fourteen minutes ago?

This strike, this perfect blend of timing and technique that shapeshifted a soccer ball in a meteoroid, would be the final kick of regular time. Extra time would be needed.

How on earth could any two teams, or any assembled collection of players anywhere in the world, top any of what we’ve seen so far?

I am so glad you asked.

marta does a thing i have never seen before, 105’
(3-4)

Marta is the GOAT for a reason and while the thunderbolt strike to keep Brazil alive was showstopping stuff, it’s things like this that separate her from literally everyone else.

Trying to even just type the basic elements of this goal feels unreal and made up. Marta feigned a header in front of the goalkeeper to freeze them in place while the ball plummeted across her body and onto her right foot to be directed into goal. What. Thee. Hell.

Whomst thinks to do something like this? Whomst? Even in training, whomst? A preseason or exhibition game, whomst? Extra time of a continental final, again I ask, whomst!?

leicy santos’ free kick perfection, 115’
(4-4)

If you’ve been watching the Washington Spirit, you already had the spoilers.

Leicy Santos has become one of—if not, the—most consistent and accurate free kick takers in the world. The bend and placement she gets on her strikes is unreal. She seems to know when to use pace and just enough bend, or, like above, scrub off lots of pace in favor of maximizing curl and dip to still give the keeper no chance.

One-hundred and twenty minutes of match play, and about ~60 minutes of the most top-tier ‘anything you can do I can do better’ soccer you are likely to ever see, could not separate these two.

With four goals apiece, the match would be decided with penalties.

penalty kick shootout

brazil wins 4-5

I urge you to watch the whole shootout, because unlike the messes at the EUROS, it was full of drama and quality.

It’s also somehow fitting that the two prior heroes, Marta and Leicy Santos, both missed their efforts from the spot. The brilliance of both to get us to this point deserves to be remembered, but shouldn’t be mistaken for the whole story. Too many other things happened. And their misses helped setup one more gift, this time of the karmic satisfaction variety. A missed penalty closed the curtain on the whole show, and was struck by the player who shouldn’t have been on the pitch. Absolute cinema.

What a match.

What. A. Match.

Now, as was so in real time, I need a nap.