please don't do in the news nothing about me

Alright so I was gonna get into the Eric Adams campaign advisor who tried to hand a reporter a wad of cash stuffed inside a bag of sour cream & onion chips, but there’s sadly no time. It is as ridiculous as it sounds, and when the reporter said they couldn’t accept the bribe they panicked and blurted a phrase that will live with me forever: “Please don’t do in the news nothing about me.”

Anyway, woso-wise this is late because I was trying my best to finish a piece on Lizbeth Ovalle for y’all, but I’m gonna need more time. The 9-5 was 9-5’ing so much the pst couple days that I couldn’t get it done. My bad, blame the nine Zoom meetings and Slack huddles I’ve had in the last 36 hours. Good news, the weekend is finally here, and I will finish it and have it in your inbox soon.

The woso never stops though, so here are your upcoming games and stuff and things and whatnot…

upcoming matches for your eyeballs

today, august 22

So far no one at North Carolina has been brave/smart enough to just let Jaedyn Shaw, Manaka Matsukubo and Ashley Sanchez cook. Shaw is once again starting the match on the bench, which can’t be what she or ownership anticipated when they rightly made a big deal about signing her from San Diego. Chicago, meanwhile, is fresh off a three goal comeback that involved two bangers and an equalizer from Uncle Naeher. If the Courage’s finishing struggles continue, this is def a game Ella Masar’s Stars can sneak a result from.

saturday, august 23

The NWSL had a downright disaster with a 4pm ET kickoff in Kansas City, but that’s unlikely to be the case in San Francisco. According to The Weather Channel, at kickoff local time it will be 65° and partly cloudy. Bay FC and Washington will be playing at Oracle Park, where the latest number of tickets sold was over 38,000, but it is a baseball stadium. Both coaches said the pitch looked great in the presser, but we’ll see what happens when professional soccer is being played on it.

Gotham had a genuinely hilarious game against Houston last weekend in which they lost 2-1 to a team that only had one shot on target, which came in the 93rd minute. If a troll makes you solve this riddle before crossing a bridge the answer is ‘an Emily Sonnett own goal’. You’re welcome. Anyway, last week Utah continued the solid defensive work that led to impressive showings against Orlando and Kansas City. Problem was the attacking struggles continued too, and against the only team that allows more expected goals against (xGA) than themselves, Angel City.

Portland looked like they were cooking for a bit but their attack stalled against the Courage. Kansas City were held scoreless for only the second time all season. Both teams should be feeling a bit goal-starved, which should at least make for a fun first half.

sunday, august 24

Houston pulled off a hilarious dub last weekend but it was the sort of thing that might not happen in all of soccer for the rest of the year, so banking on that again would be unwise. I’m not entirely sure what they’re up to, but by now I would’ve hoped to see some semblance of them not being just ‘North Carolina but worse’. After Seattle lost a three goal lead to Chicago I am deeply concerned that Laura Harvey is never gonna let them score three goals again. This one might just be your slog of the week.

Can’t really believe I am saying this in this the year of our lord two-thousand and twenty-five, but I am hype for San Diego versus Louisville. This should be a throwback NWSL game with both teams flying up and down the pitch trading transition opportunities. They’ve both been in the bottom half of xG per game since the break, so should be trying to get their attacks cooking again. This should be your track meet of the week.

thing to read

[ICYMI] week 16 xG race charts & g+ pass networks

This NWSL matchweek gave us five draws (only two scoreless), three results-changing goals in stoppage time, Jordyn Huitema scoring a bicycle kick, and Alyssa Naeher bagging her first ever goal. If you’re not already sold then well with all due respect why are you even here lol.

Here are the xG race charts and goals added (g+) passing & receiving networks from it all!

more #content you might be into

Hey Spirits
Audi Bangers to the Rescue
[Spirits v. Loovull Review]
🍎 Apple | 🟢 Spotify

Ella & I review a frustrating but banger-filled match at Audi. We discuss Sofia Cantore's first start, formation and personnel tweaks that made things wonky, and sweet revenge Rose Kouassi style.

farewell fun

Oh ok so she’s doing this now, for Lyon. My god.

@espnw

Lily Yohannes made it look too easy 😅 (via @OL Lyonnes) #Lyonnes #soccer #goal #futbol