best destinations for maría sánchez, ranked by mo'nique gifs

Disclaimer: Theeeeee biggest problem with supposing a destination for Sánchez is that the NWSL has several encoded financial restrictions and no requirement of transparency. So I/we/all of us have no idea where each team stands with regards to their cap, or allocation money. Without this, it’s impossible to know what kind of deal could even be possible. One sweet, glorious day I hope that will change.

For now the only option is to rule out a handful of teams, because we ~sorta~ know they dropped too many bags to absorb Sánchez’s 1.5m without trading multiple players. Sorry Gotham, Bay FC, Orlando, Portland, and Kansas City.

There we were, enjoying a pleasant Sunday afternoon of NWSL chaos when Jeff Kassouf dropped major news on ESPN. Houston sauce god María Sánchez has requested a trade away from the Dash ahead of the transfer deadline at the end of the week.

Houston have had a weird start to their season. New manager Fran Alonso is trying to do, uh, something, and has played a lot of players out of position in an attempt to do, uh, something. He got close to a cohesive lineup for ~25 minutes against Bay FC, and they completed a stellar comeback win. The aftermath saw him scream into the camera and the Dash dropped a tweet with screenshots of journalists who expressed concern about the direction of the team.

That tweet has gone on to age like milk sat on the sun. Since, the Dash have lost to the Spirit 3-1 and two days later their star and marquee player very publicly wants out. I get it, Fran Alonso has decided to play her at wingback, in and attempt to do, uh, something. She’s far away from goal, has only taken three shots, and none have been within twenty yards of goal.

It’s a sudden request, but given everything, not a surprising one. So let’s look at some potential destinations based on the intensity with which I’d post Mo’Nique’s ‘I would like to see it’ GIF.

5) Seattle Reign

This is my least favorite destination for Sánchez. Laura Harvey’s StruggleBall™ is real and Sánchez thrives in more open systems that encourage her brand of risk taking. While Jordyn Huitema and Bethany Balcer would love Sánchez’s delivery and ability to beat defenders in the box, there’s a reason Harvey’s preferred wingers last season were Megan Rapinoe and Veronica Latsko; and why this season she’s shuffled midfielders into those positions.

In theory it makes a lot of sense, particularly as a way to help get consistent scoring from Huitema, but I don’t really trust Harvey with a sauce god not named Megan Rapinoe.

Mo’Nique GIFs: Simply would not post, 0KBs

4) San Diego Wavé

You are correct in wondering how Stoney’s SufferBall™ is preferable to Harvey’s StruggleBall™ and the short answer is that it’s not. However, there is a non-zero chance that a true LW like Sánchez would force Stoney to finally play Jaedyn Shaw at the 10, and bump Savannah McCaskill into a better fitting center midfielder role.

Shaw central flanked by Sánchez and Sofia Jakobsson could also help simplify Alex Morgan’s role as a target forward. Do I think Casey Stoney is likely to do any of this? Of course not. But the scale is based on my personal level of Mo’Nique GIFs, and it would make the Wavé’s attack a lot more interesting.

Mo’Nique GIFs: Fun size

3) Utah Royals

Utah is probably one of the more realistic destinations, though I’m not sure who (who’d also want to go to Houston) or what they have to satisfy the Dash. But on the pitch this could be fun.

Rookie Ally Sentnor has been their best attacking player from the left wing and is already an early shout for rookie of the year. That’s great for her, but a rookie carrying an entire expansion team’s attack in their inaugural season is a lot to ask. Adding Sánchez on the left wing could shift Sentnor central, where she’s played for UNC and U.S. Youth National Teams.

Sentnor also loves to make runs to her left, which would lend well to Sánchez’s left footed crosses, throughballs, or even tight interplay between the two. This would alleviate the mounting pressure on Sentnor, and add more elements to the team’s one-dimensional attack.

Mo’Nique GIFs: A handful

2) Rahsing Louisville

Rahsing’s wingers Uchenna Kanu and Elexa Bahr have been fun, but inconsistent in their key passes and xG Assisted (measures value of shots from passes). This wouldn’t be such a problem if rookie striker Reilyn Turner hasn’t looked dangerous when she’s received service. But so far Kanu and Bahr have combined for two passes leading to shots for Turner, and defensive midfielder Jaelin Howell has the same number on her own.

Getting Sánchez would add balance to Rahsing’s attack. Bahr or Kanu could take up the right wing slot to continue being a threat to get inside the box, especially once Sánchez starts commanding attention and forcing teams to overload in defense. But most importantly Sánchez would add creativity, another direct goal threat, and pinpoint delivery for Turner.

Louisville have had a record number of draws to start the season, and a more fluid and varied attack could give them the goals to start claiming all three points.

Mo’Nique GIFs: Several

1) North Carolina Courage

Fielding Ashley Sanchez and María Sánchez would almost be too much sauce, eventually adding Kerolin would break several international laws I’m sure of it, but I also do not care. Recently Haley Hopkins has taken up the left wing position, and to be fair has cooked a little bit.

A lot of that is the way Sean Nahas wants his team to play, and the space created by Ashley Sanchez commanding a lot of attention anytime she’s on the ball. Imagining what María Sánchez could do with that space makes me giddy.

The on-ball magic Sánchez can create would help the Courage through this period without Kerolin. And when Kerolin eventually returns she could slot into her right wing spot, allowing the Courage to station three of the NWSL’s best dribblers and on-ball shot creators across the width of the pitch.

That’s diabolical. That’s pure evil. That’s the kind of wickedness I need in my life.

Mo’NiqueGIFs: ALLUVEM