i got five on it: scoring goals and kissing badges

Last week was extremely fun across woso. There were several meaningful goals scored, with each one holding its own ocean of distinct importance that made it much more than a goal. Thankfully, most were celebrated as such.

Of course there was some outright bullshit too. Premier League Live refused to name a woman, Bruce Mwape got a(nother) weird case and needs to go immediately, and both ends of the NWSL table have a lot to work on.

Let’s start with the funsies.

The Good Shit

Mayra Ramírez becomes the sole proprietor of Old Trafford

Chelsea FCW won its fifth consecutive WSL title, which is genuinely bonkers. The final match was a title-deciding trip to Old Trafford to face Manchester United. Somehow, after just a half training session, Mayra Ramírez returned to the starting lineup, and Manchester would never be the same. Not only did Chelsea keep the title from City, they trounced United 6-0 – and Ramírez was the primary reason.

After a half training session, she put in a two goal and two assist first half performance that was equal measured glorious, devastating, brutal, and delightful. The most brutal aspect was the run below for her assist to Sjoeke Nüsken. Watch and marvel, and be thankful your name is not Millie Turner (apologies if it is).

Prior to this, Turner had yanked Ramírez’s arm with both hands after getting dribbled past in the box. The referee didn’t call it, and Mayra took that personally. Moments later she turned Turner into a rag doll to setup a .84xG shot for Nüsken – a higher value than a penalty kick.

Fran Kirby scores the last goal of Chelsea’s 23/24 season, crying ensues

This era of Chelsea looks its most right when Fran Kirby is in blue. Sadly, it was announced before the match that this would be the final time to see Kirby in her familiar Chelsea blue. Sure, winning another trophy would be a fabulous send off, but it wouldn’t feel perfect or complete without a Fran Kirby goal.

Fortunately the unpredictable but often rude af football gods agreed. Well that or Fran Kirby cashed in the substantive amount of IOUs she’s amassed from them over the years. Either way, this was a perfect Fran Kirby goal to not only be her last in a Chelsea shirt, but was the final goal punctuation for the entire 23/24 season.

I love this goal because it’s so much of what Fran Kirby has done time and again for Chelsea. Her timing, her awareness, her finishing ability – it’s all on display, dusted off and executed perfectly.

Brb gonna cry a little more.

NWSL all-time leading scorer, Lynn Mf’n Williams

This one is for all the Lynn Williams haters out there. Before she began receiving frequent callups to the national team some player avi types would always pop in anyone’s mentions to tell you that Williams misses too many chances and isn’t good enough to supplant any of the forwards on the roster and yadda yadda whatever the fuck.

This was, is, and always has been wrong. Williams is one of the most talented forwards this country has ever seen, and has now become the NWSL’s all-time leading scorer.

It’s also perfect that a forward like Lynn Williams would be the record holder for the NWSL. The league is fast-paced, chaotic and full of athletes, so when another athlete stands out in this way it means that they’re not just good, or even great, they’re bordering on the supernatural.

There’s still no better player who has the outrageous speed and awareness in and out of possession to put in top defensive work while still producing goals at a high rate. It’s literally the definition of being in two places at once. To do so and still score enough to grab the all-time record is truly absurd, but just who Williams is, and has always been.

Ella Stevens, troll god

Ella Stevens scored an incredible goal the week prior, then followed it up by scoring the winner with a quality header from a corner. The goal was just the start though. Stevens celebrated by wheeling away in a sprint, as players do, then proceeding to grab and repeatedly kiss the badge of her new team (Gotham FC) while darting around the stadium that’s home to her old team (Red Stars).

The year of the hater continues.

It’s official, Brazil will host the 2027 World Cup

FIFA has secured hosts for the Men’s World Cup until, approximately, 3018, but it took forever for them to get down to announcing the hosts for the next Women’s World Cup, which will kickoff is just over three years from now. That’s silly, real silly in fact.

I won’t say it was worth the wait, because having an additional year, or the 75 the men’s tournament has, could have led to a better, more organized event, no matter how great 2027 is or isn’t.

But anyway, I am still extremely hype that the decision seems to have been the best one for the sport of football, which is meant to be FIFA’s primary aim. But don’t forget, this is a federation that had several members go to court, and a few, jail, over the Qatar World Cup.

Given the depth of silliness we know exists within FIFA, there was reason to believe they would base their decision on factors other than football. Brazil has never hosted a tournament, while other bids included former hosts U.S., Germany and Netherlands.

South America has been neglected, but is so close to exploding. In fact, a ton of talent from South America is already making waves among popular domestic leagues. The next step needed to be an event such as the World Cup, and now, finally, they have one.

Ugh, Why Tho?

NBC Sports’ Premier League Live forgets women exist

Manchester City’s men’s team was on the verge of winning its fourth straight title and a lot of people were mistakenly labeling the eventual feat as unprecedented in English football. This is silly, because the day prior Chelsea’s women’s team won its fifth straight.

Unfortunately, in the pregame buildup the crew at NBC kept talking about it without mentioning Chelsea, but found time to run through a list of multi-year champions from the NBA and NHL – two completely different sports.

While the graphic for all that mentioned ‘North American Sports’, it’s still wild to make that sort of a reach when an English team did something historic the day prior, and it would have taken ten seconds of airtime to mention it.

Mwape got a weird case(s) why is he around

I honestly do not know why this man still has a job or is around. These new allegations join a list of other accounts and allegations from several months ago, even over a year ago.

The piece also mentioned the contractor’s shock at the conditions the Copper Queens dealt with at the World Cup. Apparently there were no outings, they stayed in their hotel because of a lack of funds, whereas other feds staged experiences and offered stipends.

With this guy at the helm and corruption in the fed, it’s quite easy to see how African football and African footballers are held back. It also remains deeply unserious that FIFA was threatening to expel Zambia over a rescheduled General Assembly meeting, but not having a habitual sexual harasser in charge of its women’s team.

Corriendo de la rechinar

You know why this is here.

Utah Royals please get it together

The Royals have one win, one draw and eight losses, they’re at the very bottom of the table and have a -13 goal difference. This is a problem for a league that is continuing to pursue expansion. If new ownerships don’t prioritize making soccer decisions, particularly as the cap raises and other teams grow in their scouting, coaching, player development and squad building, expansion teams can get blown away.

One of the main allures of the NWSL is that it is the most competitive league in the world. While a couple teams always languish at the bottom of the table, they can usually put up a decent fight or two. So far Utah is last in pretty much every category.

It’s important that the gap between the top and bottom doesn’t start to mirror European leagues. As it stands now, ten games into the season, Orlando Pride are twenty points ahead of the Royals. Last year the gap between the top and bottom was just 13. YIKEA.

Orlando Pride’s very sad attendance

With all the requisite caveats that I am not in the front office and I also do not know the local community and I also completely understand how years of failing to even be mid has soured the fanbase. I’m just saying, this shouldn’t be.

It’s not even all about Barbra Banda (though you should go watch Barbra Banda if you have the chance to go and watch Barbra Banda), it’s that this team is fun and legitimately good. A few players have been on Orlando through the bad as well, and they deserve full stands too.

Whatever the solutions, I hope they’re implemented, and soon. It hurts my heart to see this team play in a stadium that’s literally, on average, ¾ empty. This is not to shame, this is merely to say that now is the time, and to #GOTOGAMES pls and tysm.